So you realized a boundary is needed in a relationship, job, or family. Now what do you do? Obviously, if you have a boundary you need to communicate it, but how?
Setting boundaries is incredibly important to living a life that feels safe. The problem many have is how we communicate our boundaries with others. It does not matter if this is with a child, spouse, parent or boss the message gets lost in the way you communicate it. Boundaries are most often connected to something that is a trigger for you or a situation that makes you feel unsafe, hurt, emotionally drained and so on. This means we feel protective of ourselves when communicating with them. Here are some ways to make sure you are communicating boundaries in a way you will be heard.
Say no to reacting
Did something just happen that was a trigger for you and you want to set the boundary or reiterate it to a person? Now is not the time to have a serious conversation if you are triggered. You can not change what just happened by setting a boundary now. The point of setting the boundary is to make someone aware moving forward. This communication can wait till you feel calm. At that moment emotions run high so we are not communicating in a way that is mutually respectful. Do not speak out of anger.
Take time once you remove yourself from the situation and feel calm to reflect on what exactly the trigger was. What do you need to not feel that way? What do you need to do if that thing continues to happen? This is where you can find the why and what of the boundary.
It starts with you
At the core of a boundary it is a need you have, not them. So you need to keep that in mind when communicating the boundary. Start by explaining why you are having a hard time with the behavior or action, not what they are doing wrong. The moment you say “you are doing xyz and you can not do this” the tone for being defensive has been set. Try using I statements. This is not about protecting the other person, it is about creating the environment needed for you to be heard,
KISS the message
Many of us tend to go on too long when the topic is something we feel passionate about or we want to be sure they understand. The reality is when we say too much the person will not hear the message. Therefore, we need to KISS (Keep It Short & Sweet) the message, I am telling you to not over do it!
Short and sweet will get the message across, over-explaining will leave room for missing the point, creating defense. While we are on this topic, do not apologize and do not give a reason to need to. This is a simple few sentences of what and why you need something to be different. If they have questions they will ask for more information.
The what if
What if they do cross the boundary again do you tell them what will happen if they do? This is where many of us make mistakes. Setting a boundary is not an ultimatum or threat. You need to be real clear on what your action will be if the behavior continues after. For some this might be a minor shift and for others you may need to distance yourself completely. But it is your action you have control over, not theirs! Make sure you feel prepared, otherwise you are just asking someone to stop without a plan to protect yourself.
You may or may not need to communicate this part of the message right away. Depending on the person and situation it might not need to be communicated. Make sure you are not voicing it as a threat. Here is an example.
- Threat: “If you continue to do this I am leaving you.”
- Communication: “Thank you for hearing me, I want to stay in this relationship and this is what I need to feel loved in it.”
Final thoughts
- Boundaries do not always need to be communicated to others before distance is created depending on the reason.
- We also need to set boundaries for ourselves.
- Some boundaries will be nonnegotiable while others we will need to compromise.
You are worthy of respect and love from yourself and others. Setting a boundary can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary to grow. You got this! If you need coaching around setting boundaries I am happy to help! You can schedule a free 30 minute consultation HERE.
