Most of you know by now that I am an open book! I have spent most of my life being a mother and it has allowed me to really reflect on my journey. I want to share my messy story with you because I want you to know those feelings you have of surviving the day, loosing yourself, and feeling alone were my struggles too.
It all started as a teenager girl who loved a boy. I had a distant relationship with my parents at the time and wanted to feel like I had a little family and home. This boy was smooth, handsome, and I would do anything to make him happy. I got him an apartment and covered expenses with my after school job. Something started to change in him, less gentle, more secretive, and caught in lies. It just got worse from there but I never considered leaving. I desperately needed his love (well love in general). With time the verbal & physical abuse and control started to become the new normal until one day, when my two best friends saw it themselves and convinced me to leave. I did leave but what came next I didn’t expect.
I was back at my moms and things felt back to normal, until one day 5 months later when I noticed something off with my body. Long story short, I was pregnant, yes you read that right 5 months pregnant! Thats a whole other story! Not only was I 17 and pregnant but I had 4 months to sort it all out. I made the choice to raise my daughter and finished up high school with a baby at my graduation. The boy went on with his life and it would be me and this little girl against all odds. I was on my own for about 5 years making ends meet the best I could. I owned my house, had a decent job and family that was supportive. It was lonely and hard and I honestly thought that would be it. I would live in that house, single mom, and pay check to pay check hoping to cover expenses for my whole life. Spoiler alert, I was very wrong! I met a man at work, got married and added another child at 25 years old. After we were married we moved to another country where I homeschooled and adapted to a new culture. It was not an easy thing to do and the culture shock put me in to a depressive state. I felt so alone, to make it worse, my husband was drinking more and I was lost and exhausted. I woke up and would dread opening my eyes, I wanted it to all be a dream! I could not not cook or eat, the smell of food made me sick! I felt tired no matter how much I slept. I cried everyday and was numb to the world. I was so overwhelmed with trying to be a mother and fix my marriage. I pushed myself so hard to make friends, get out of the house and find joy. Just when I was starting to feel comfortable I discovered baby number 3 was on the way. We had discussed having another child once we moved back to the states but I guess I said the word baby so poof (I know that’s not how it really works).
I moved back to the States during the pregnancy but my husband stayed overseas do to his contract. There I was with my, 11 yr old, 3 yr old and a new baby alone. The little one was in the NICU for a while and I refused to leave his side. This started my new found sidekick, Anxiety. I was scared and very over protective. Once my husbands contract was up he took a job in DC. This meant once again, another move away from family but at least I was with my husband under one roof again!
Unfortunately the isolation from his family overseas took a toll on him as well! He had become reliant on the company of liquor. I felt consumed trying to control his addiction and had no friends or support in a new place again. I put on a smile and survived each day. But I was tired of surviving. I wanted to live my life, not just survive it. I think back to that time every now and then. I can see that women wrapping Christmas gifts for her kids in the basement and crying on the floor, praying for change. The problem was I was deep in burnout and self pity, I did not know where to even start to find change. I could be in a room with 100 people, laughing, chatting and seeming put together but I was crumbling inside. Like a voice in my head was screaming for help but I was too stubborn to ask for it.
My breaking point came and I new I had two options, accept this mediocre life I was in or figure out how to be happy. I wanted to thrive so I attended Alanon and made connections, I found a therapist, I thought because of my families problems, not mine (oops was I wrong, I had a role to play in this too and had to learn). The work was hard and humbling. I started to notice how I was operating my life and wanted to create a safe space for change. Finding the balance, setting boundaries, letting go of control, and discovering myself took time, but so worth the pay off!
Now I am a successful both professionally and personally. Luckily, my husband is sober and my marriage is much stronger and healthier. My kids are happier and learning to respect themselves by watching me put myself as a priority in my life.
This is why I am a coach! I help women like you get to a place of thriving rather than surviving. Your happiness is deserved, and possible. My story goes much deeper (honestly I could write a book about it) but know this. You will have to humble yourself, work hard and be ok with making mistakes. If you can do that you can change the life you are living.
If you relate to the struggle and want life to change book a Surviving to Thriving Call.
